Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
