Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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