Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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