she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize