When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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