im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
