I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize