Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
