This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
