AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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