you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
