Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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