Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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