I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
