"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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