The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
