so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
