Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
