I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
