hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize