Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
