he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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