i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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