i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize