so that wasnt chicken after all
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
that's an acceptable place to lick
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
