Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize