I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
