come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize