I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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