it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
