It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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