i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
