my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
