I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize