I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What a dumb baby whore.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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