We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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