This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
