New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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