I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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