8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
