About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
