U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize