Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
