Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
MIDGETS
????
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
