Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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