the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Your penis caused this!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
