i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
