she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
