Plan B is the new Plan A
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
