i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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