The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
