Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
