I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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