i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
too bad you live with your parents still
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
