Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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