I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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