he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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