you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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