two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
