i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
vagina is talking i cant
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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