they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
